Imagine that you've announced to anyone and everyone who might care (and for me that's an admittedly small number) that you're releasing a book on January 30th. Imagine that you've very responsibly hit publish on said book three days prior to your release deadline just to ensure that you come through for that very small number of people. Then imagine a certain major retailer tells you that they will not be publishing your ebook titled Anal Isn't Cheating because it violates their appropriate content policy.
I'm sorry, what? Exsqueeze me? Baking powder?
Um, first of all, yes, anal is cheating. And second of all, THAT'S NOT THE BOOK I WROTE!
I actually panic. I experience a brief moment of insanity where I think, "Wait. Did I publish the wrong file?" But then I say to myself, "Hey, dumbass. You've never actually written anything titled Anal Isn't Cheating...Oh, right. Phew! Guess that's not what happened then."
I talk to a friend who asks, "So, if they sent you a rejection for a book that you didn't write, does that mean they could've published your book under the butt-fetish author's name?"
This sends me into a whole new realm of panic. I start imagining the cover that my poor story, Trust in Me, has been erroneously nested under. Some abstract picture that when you stare at it like a Magic Eye poster and tilt your head slightly to the right actually looks like a [insert euphemism here: back passage, rusty bullet hole, tainted love...google has quite a selection to choose from].
I think I might be sick.
All of a sudden my worry over family and friends reading those love scenes I wrote seems miniscule next to the idea that someone might think I'd actually write something titled Anal Isn't Cheating. No offense to the actual author of this masterpiece. I'm sure it's scintillating. Real edge of your seat stuff. I'm sure it's cracking its way through all the fetish stereotypes and providing a meaningful commentary on infidelity and society's repressed sexuality. Yes, I'm sure it's that.
I just don't want to be associated with it.
So, here I sit, not sure if my book will be live tomorrow (as I promised a small group of newsletter subscribers and Facebook and Twitter followers it would be) and wondering--is anal really cheating?